Anticipation . . .

I suppose that title could be intriguing, but this is the anticipation of an old body waiting for relief. See, I'm falling apart at 38. Been diagnosed with osteoarthritis, IBS (if you don't know, you probably don't want to), had bunyon surgery, get the occasional severe headache (haven't bothered to find out if these are really migraines), etc . . . Turns out that these are all symptoms of something called fibromyalgia. I've known this for a while but have never talked to my doctor about it. Tuesday, I'm going in to see if I get a diagnosis and can qualify for a study. This is positive either way, as I will know what I'm truly dealing with.


While I was reading about fibromyalgia at the Mayo Clinic website, I learned that moodiness, anxiety, and depression, which I have been experiencing with increasing frequency over the years, are also symptoms.


So, this leads to another poem. When I started writing it, it was kind of a joke. I've mentioned before my desire to hide under things when I get stressed out. I'm not kidding. Whether it's a school desk, my desk at home, or the bed, if I'm feeling stressed, I imagine myself climbing underneath and hiding. I haven't done it yet. I guess the day it actually happens will be the day I know I have to get help. I've been trying to write about it for a while. I tried a short story, then a poem. The poem did not have the wry humorous tone I was shooting for. It was the first time I realized there actually might something serious beneath (no pun intended) my strange pre-occupation.

letting go

i did it –
finally stopped struggling
gravity got me after all –
pulled me right under

finally stopped struggling
i’d held my ground so many times
pulled me right under
the dragging weight – at last

i’d held my ground so many times
voices clamored from every corner
the dragging weight – at last
comes the call, irresistible

voices clamored from every corner
this time I let go
comes the call, irresistible,
and I find myself sliding, sliding

this time I let go
i did it
i find myself sliding, sliding –
gravity got me after all